Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
honey bunches of taint.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
