if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
