you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
