Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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