I can't watch pbs sober anymore
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
