I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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