Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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