i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
