I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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