I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
