Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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