Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Houston, we have a blender
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
