fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
