the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
