totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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