I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
