Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
