i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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