I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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