I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Randomize
