you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
