I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
We smell like vodka and hangover
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