Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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