What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
