You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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