Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
