So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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