So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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