Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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