Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
