dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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