Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
