why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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