i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
that's an acceptable place to lick
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
