Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
