I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
