please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
