then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You pole danced in your parka.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
