Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
