she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We had sex on a dog bed..
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
