Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
this must be what syphilis tastes like
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
