Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
