u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My liver just had a heart attack.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
