god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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