Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
