i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
