Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
