In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
