I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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