i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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