Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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