I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
