I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
